A Long Winter’s Night – Dark Creatures for Dark Times
Posted By Randy on December 28, 2011
This picture has only peripheral connection with the subject of this article, thanks to effing Martin.
Every time I embark on a series of articles that connect with a theme, for example Dark Sentiments that runs the entire 31 days of October each year, and now A Long Winter’s Night which will likewise be an annual event running from 21-31 December, my fevered brain generates content that far o’erflows the allotted time. Not to worry though, we throw nothing away, and it all goes into the LFM cellar where it mellows for a future tasting.
Some days I start off with a plan to publish one thing, and then thanks to the Gods of Serendipity, I’m inspired to take a different tack. Today is one of those redirected days, and you can thank my esteemed, though rarely seen, crime scene investigator friend Martin for that. You will remember my references to him in an article I put here back on 3 October 2010, in the first incarnation of Dark Sentiments. An article festooned with a pumpkin’s ass crack, published on a date that coincided with his birthday. Martin’s birthday, not the pumpkin’s.
Well I mention Martin because as I entered one of my local grocery stores today I first espied his wife and daughter, both of whom looked lovely by the way, and then the man himself. I wouldn’t do him but he looked pretty good too. Anyway, seeing Martin reminded me of my 17 years in the emergency dispatch business – bastard – and then of the times I was MC at Lunenburg – Mahone Bay Police Service Christmas parties. That put me in mind of a persona I created specifically for those times – a nasty son of a bitch that came to be known as Fuck Off the Christmas Elf.
You will remember I referred to Fuck Off in a Hallowe’en bent back on 24 October in Dark Sentiments 2011 – Day 24: A Night on the Town, but he/it was born on a night when my bony ass, clad in camo, elf booties, and pointed green hat, sat upon Santa’s equally bony knee. Santa was played by my esteemed friend Kevin the Sauerkraut King, who, as his nom de guerre implies, when not playing Santa at police Christmas parties is a professional maker of magically wondrous sauerkraut … but I digress.
Santa asked this thing on his knee what its name was. The answer I’m sure you guessed, so Santa replied, “I’m pleased to meet you Fuck Off!” and the rest is history. The back story is that Fuck Off has a condo in Hell and fills in for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse whenever one of them goes on vacation or stress leave.
In later years, Fuck Off sported combat boots, woodland camo pants, a black shirt, chain mail vest, Gargoyle sunglasses, a Santa hat, and a Cuban cigar, filling in for Santa after the jolly old elf decided to stop presiding over police Christmas parties because he found them too phlegmatic. I regret I have no photographic evidence of these appearances, and invite anyone who was victimized by the sarcastic, mean tempered bastard, and managed to record it, to send your pictures to me via this website.
Tonight I intended to write about a certain other Christmas demon but now, thanks to Martin, that will have to wait for tomorrow.
Hey Randy!
I had forgotten all about that rather tall elf…but it’s coming back to me now. I WISH I had some photos to share…
Merry Christmas!
Stephanie
Oh Stephanie, that elf says he remembers you too, and all too well! What else he said I can’t reveal further because that shit’s vile.
If ever there was a creature to fit well within a post ” Dark Creatures for Dark Times ” it would have to be – Fuck Off the Christmas Elf. There are few dark creatures that appear within my personal christmas season calendar, but I must admit to enjoying fond memories of this particular dark creature, and they always come to mind during the lead up to the christmas season. This lesser known of Santa’s minions deserves a distinct honorable mention in your “Long Winter’s Night” posts. It is unfortunate that we do not have photographic evidence of his existence and I dare not bring up the topic of faith based belief, especially at this time of the year and on this particular blog.
I am happy to have crossed paths today especially if the ” Gods of Serendipity ” deemed it a necessary meeting to shake this particular character out of the cobwebs within which he had been hiding. I am not certain whether our meeting was serendipitous or ironic, given that my last appearance in your blog resulted from our meeting at the same location during ” Dark Sentiments “. I do believe however that we must find an opportunity to cross paths again and perhaps take a few hours and drinks to relive some of these memories and perhaps create a few new ones.
As always
Martin M
I agree Martin. We can’t continue to leave our meetings up to serendipity, or any other kind of dip for that matter … except hummus. I like hummus. This meeting up in grocery stores, we’re like two guys showing up by the water hole once a year because they’re both trying to kill the same deer.
Those hours and drinks will need to get scheduled, and no mistake! They’ll be even more enjoyable in light of the fact that Mrs. LFM knows where all the bodies are buried, and regularly helps me dust the skeletons in my closet, some of which know your name.