Large Fierce Mammal

Yesterday Mrs. LFM and I were entering our automobile in the parking lot of the Bridgewater Canadian Tire. No sooner had I opened her door for her and ensured that she was safely ensconced within than I encountered a man with whom I have some small acquaintance who said as he approached, “You’re going to have to stop that!”

Inquiring as to his meaning, his reply was, “Opening the door for her. You’re making the rest of us look bad!”

I do wish I could report otherwise, but he spoke these words in the company of his own feminine companion to whose presence he paid no attention and who, I noticed, was walking a few confused steps behind him leaving her vulnerable to the depredations of the coyotes that, as everyone knows, are perpetually on the lookout for stragglers.

I assured him that I was capable of Gentlemanly behaviour that would be even less to his liking, joined my esteemed and most beloved Lady, and continued with life free from further impediment, secure in the knowledge that for “the rest” to look bad requires no assistance from me.

I have often proclaimed, only half jokingly, my intention to open a school that offers a service that is seriously needed in today’s world – a finishing school for Gentlemen. Whenever I have made such mention over the years, the suddenly heaving bosoms of all the women within earshot have not escaped my notice, and it has been convincingly argued, as often as not by me, that heaving female bosoms are an omen not to be ignored without risk of dire consequence.

One need only spend a few minutes – yes, regrettably only a few minutes are enough – observing the comings and going of people as they go about their business to learn how far down the road to ruin have gone the basics of simple manners, let alone the inalienable rules of Gentlemanly conduct, and the truth seems to have become blurred that conduct speaks with far greater volume on the subject of character than does income, education, family name, affiliations, or any of the other artificial tokens embraced by the society as stand ins for actual substance.

I think it is time to defecate or vacate the receptacle. To stop talking about that school, hang out a shingle, and post a schedule of fees. Ladies and aspiring Gentlemen, I invite your comments.