Large Fierce Mammal

If you presently own anything like this, and you obtained it for your dog's use, you really need to go fuck yourself.

In an article titled Mount Up! that appeared on the Golden Mountain Dog Solutions blog back on 2 August 2009, I wrote at length about a stupid invention that was then being marketed as the “Doggie Lover Doll”, touted as ” … the world’s first sex doll for dogs ….” I am happy to report that the manufacturer’s website has since disappeared, and like to think my article played some small role in making that happen. Alas though, there are plenty more of the same still out there. So many shitheads, so little time.

Lest it be thought that the depths of human stupidity as it impacts on the lives of dogs has been even partially explored, I must tell you that we haven’t even come close. I am here today to offer a few more shining examples. (more…)

Too many people with whom I’ve to do
Go through life with their reason askew.
When their answers arrive
Two plus two equals five
Using very large values of two.

A Codger’s Lament

By LFM

A hoary old codger out west
Brought his doctor a special request,
“This may seem rather queer,
“But the reason I’m here,
“Is to check out my sperm count, no jest!” (more…)

A teacher once offered a prize
For a student to quickly devise
What organ might
When treated aright
Grow 20 times larger in size. (more…)

Any resemblance between this model, and any person living or dead, is strictly coincidental.

Renowned one-eyed whore, Cindy Lou
Was in demand for the things she could do.
For a bit more out of pocket
You could screw her eye socket
And she’d always keep an eye out for you!

I enjoy dabbling in the creation of humourous poetry. Some day I will write a poem beginning with the line that is the title of this post.

Known only to my closest associates is that, when in my cups and sufficiently provoked, I’ve been known to throw one off the lip as it were, writing it down be damned. Alas, much has been lost because of this. I deal in limericks mostly, but I let the subject matter determine what format I use.

This comes up because Mrs. LFM and I have a friend named Stu Dunn who lives in a recycled church in Saskatchewan. Well, sort of part friend and part pet, and the percentages of which to which vary depending on mood, phase of the moon, blood alcohol content, time of day, and which way the salmon are swimming. I don’t think I do him disservice though by asserting without reservation that if he put his mind to it, Stu could make a half-assed living as a professional shit disturber. In his own words, “I don’t give a shit. Other priorities.” This doesn’t trouble us because those other priorities are parental – he’s father to two of the cutest kids either of us has ever laid eyes on. (more…)

Back when we was datin'.

Mrs. LFM and I work as a team in all our endeavours and hence, each of us rarely goes abroad in the land without the other. Well, today was an exception – she had some field work to do with a couple of our dogs while I got to do a fire alarm inspection in Chester. It failed.

Anyway, on the way home this jumped into my head.

He snickered at all the critiques
Espousing black magick techniques
Had won him the hunger
Of one so much younger
When she really just loves fine antiques.

Mrs. LFM was born in Poland during the Communist regime. She and her family, mother Izabella and father Ryszard, came to Canada by way of Italy in October 1986. Politically, this would be called a defection. On a human level, I’d call it nothing more or less than a family trying to build a better life than they could ever hope to find in cold war, Communist, eastern Europe.

Living in Italy for approximately a year as political refugees had its trials, but for a little girl it had its adventurous side as well, not least of which was hobnobbing with heads of state.

Only last week, Mrs. LFM excavated these pictures from our archives and I couldn’t resist sharing them here. Religion and politics mean nothing to children, and neither do they have anything to do with the point of this post. What strikes me here is little Diana’s excitement and grace in what had to be a supremely memorable and deeply moving moment for her parents. After all, while Catholic, they were first of all Polish, as was the man they are meeting here. (more…)

In my 27 June 2010 article titled “The End of the World” As We Know It, I mentioned the party I hosted on New Year’s Eve 1999, the night the world transitioned into 2000 and everything was supposed to go to shit. The party was held at my place of residence and business which I had named “Dog Hollow”, and was billed as “The Dog Hollow Year 2000 World Domination Party”. Mrs. LFM and I were not yet an item in those heady and dangerous days but, trust me dear readers, she was there! (more…)

Recommended reading for telecommunications utilities.

Not counting cellular and satellite providers, there are two options for telephone and internet service in Nova Scotia – Aliant and Eastlink. This article deals with the former company. Eastlink has so many issues I’ll be dealing with them in coming weeks.

As a heavy user of the services provided by both companies I would say that, as they stand today, Aliant is superior with respect to the technical competence and professionalism of its field technicians – in fact it’s a pleasure to work with them, but it wasn’t always that way.

Aliant grew out of what for many years was the Maritime Telephone and Telegraph Company, later Maritime Tel & Tel, still later MT&T, and later yet MTT. For a long time they were the only telecommunications act in town, and they acted like it. In my early days in the electronic security business it was a constant battle to get any respect out of them because they insisted on treating anyone who wanted to use their telephone lines for anything other than talking, and worse, wanted to use equipment that wasn’t supplied by MT&T, as an upstart, a threat, and possibly even  a menace capable of everything from bestiality to unsportsmanlike conduct. (more…)