Large Fierce Mammal

A Codger’s Lament

By LFM

A hoary old codger out west
Brought his doctor a special request,
“This may seem rather queer,
“But the reason I’m here,
“Is to check out my sperm count, no jest!”

Quoth the doctor, “Good sir, I admire
“Your daring, but might I inquire
“What prompts you to seeking
“That of which you are speaking
“Which is more than your age would require?”

Now the man was quite wroth at this speech.
“Doctor, why is this out of my reach?
“My wife is agreeing
“It’s not just for peeing
“So please do the test, I beseech!”

Quoth the doctor, “I want to be fair
“But I’m also acutely aware
“That you’re both, I would trust
“Old enough to fart dust,
“And needn’t be bothered to care.”

When a patient holds sperm count so dear
That denial won’t enter his ear
Just surrender with style,
Then give him a vial
And say, “Put a sample in here.”

So the codger went home with his treasure
To fill up with semen for measure.
Said the doctor, “You’ll be
“Back here to see me
“In a week so proceed at your leisure.”

But an empty is what he did bring,
Eyes teary with frustration’s sting.
Said the doctor, “That’s odd!”
Quoth the codger, “Good God!
“Oh sir, It’s a hell of a thing!”

“My right and my left hands I tried,
“I pulled it and twisted and pried,
“All that lubing and jerking
“Yet nothing was working!
“If I hadn’t have stopped I’d have died!”

“Next my wife, who is not one to dawdle,
“Tried the method called ‘twisting the throttle’,
“Then both hands with a shout,
“Her teeth in, her teeth out,
“We just can’t get the top off this bottle!”