Large Fierce Mammal

Source: here

Binary code is straight forward. 1 or 0. On or off. Black or white. Love Justin Bieber or hate Justin Beiber. There are no shades of grey.

I don’t get a heart throb vibe from this kid at all, but then I was brought up on the premise that the true definition of a male music star is that your persona makes men want to be you, and women want to fuck you. In Bieber’s case, all I get is ewwww.

That having been said, there’s no denying that Bieber’s star is shining bright right now, but fame is fleeting, and I’m sure the boy’s handlers are painfully aware that their cash cow may be ripe for the barbecue pit when his voice starts to change. That is, if it starts to change; I mean there are historical precedents, and it’s starting to get noticed that a 16 year old boy is still singing like a 16 year old girl.

Then again, casting all theories of surgical or pharmaceutical castration aside, there’s that old saw that holds, “Make hay while the sun shines.” Take a look around and see if there are any untapped markets you can capitalize on before that pesky biological clock winds down. There’s a historical precedent for this too, although in that case the driving force had more to do with the life expectancy of a television series than with biology.

Yes, I’m talking about Xena: Warrior Princess, and I don’t find this surprising at all because after years of study I’ve proven, at least to the minds of Mrs. LFM and me, that no matter what you’re looking for, all roads eventually lead back to her.

I refer specifically to what happened when it came to be known that Xena had a large and devoted lesbian following. There were even “Xena nights” in prisons for women where all who hadn’t lost the privilege for some transgression or other got together to watch the latest episode.

Source: here

Not being fools, the producers of the show began to cultivate a change in the relationship between Xena and Gabriel that hinted at something one’s imagination could envision following tantalizing paths the camera never showed, but that nonetheless kept the mind dripping until the next episode. Sheer genius.

So now getting back to The Biebs, everybody seems to focus on the young female component of his fan base. As I implied earlier, I’m not entirely certain they haven’t already started down the road of creating the next Wayne Newton, but if they haven’t, and the kid’s just a late bloomer, maybe his handlers should be putting some effort into the paedophile market before it’s too late. Opportunity waits not for puberty, and to quote that toothless hillbilly from Deliverance, “He got a real pretty mouth ain’t he?”

The news is sufficient proof that the market is vast, and until there is a hunting season with no bag limit on the fuckers, anything keeping that despicable lot in their rooms with the shades drawn is a good thing if you ask me. Best of all, you can look at it as sound retirement planning. When Bieber’s career finally implodes and his life devolves into following the path already well mapped by Lindsay Lohan, any sentence of community service hours will get waived for time served. He’ll have already done his bit, and then some.

Weekly showings of Never Say Never in Catholic seminaries. One swoons at the thought.