Large Fierce Mammal

Australians have long been known to warn gullible tourists about the perils of drop bears. As everybody who reads Wikipedia knows, “Drop bears are … unusually large, vicious, carnivorous koalas that inhabit treetops and attack their prey by dropping onto their heads from above.” To make things worse, they warn that there is no way to tell the difference between a common koala and an immature drop bear, and besides simply staying away from them, as well as out from under trees of course, strapping upward pointing forks to your head or putting toothpaste or vegemite behind your ears can be an effective countermeasure.

I bring this up for no particular reason other than that I just uncovered some entertaining lore on another fictional creature; specifically the Foo Bird.

There is an old joke that comes in several varieties about the Foo Bird, but my favourite version has it that the Foo Bird lives in the deepest parts of the Amazon rain forest and is to be avoided at all costs because its droppings contain an unusually vile and deadly poison.

The particularly evil thing about getting some of this on you is that the toxic effects result from a chemical reaction that only occurs when skin that was covered with the feces is subsequently cleaned and exposed to the air. Because of this, the best advice that can be given to the victim of such an attack is if the Foo shits, wear it.

As I said, there are other versions of this, mostly dealing with bad luck if the Foo Bird’s gift is removed, but my version is more dark and disgusting and hence I like it better.

Anyway, on the same subject, I happened today on a blog written by a man going by the name of “Oldcock“. Right away I felt a bond because, as it happens, I have one of those myself, albeit well maintained and kept honed by constant use.

A man of eclectic tastes, Oldcock describes himself as having, ” … more than a passing interest in witchcraft, sorcery and other occult subjects, wine, women and song, bawdy verse, entertaining unusual and eccentric people, searching for leprechauns and fishing.”

I mean, what’s not to love?

On the subject of the Foo Bird, Oldcock posted this gem which I have slightly edited and will leave you to ponder:

The Ol’ Foo Bird is quite absurd
For round and round it flies.
It flaps its wings and flies in rings
And circles through the skies.
But when its speed doth much exceed
Such speeds as Foo Birds may,
Then twiddle-dee-dum
It flies up its own bum
And vanishes away!

Oldcock attributes this to someone he calls Bullshetty, and claims that he or she (Of course it could be a woman! I’ve met some who could bullshet with the best of them!) composed it in a “moment of drunken inspration” in 1987.