Large Fierce Mammal

If you presently own anything like this, and you obtained it for your dog's use, you really need to go fuck yourself.

In an article titled Mount Up! that appeared on the Golden Mountain Dog Solutions blog back on 2 August 2009, I wrote at length about a stupid invention that was then being marketed as the “Doggie Lover Doll”, touted as ” … the world’s first sex doll for dogs ….” I am happy to report that the manufacturer’s website has since disappeared, and like to think my article played some small role in making that happen. Alas though, there are plenty more of the same still out there. So many shitheads, so little time.

Lest it be thought that the depths of human stupidity as it impacts on the lives of dogs has been even partially explored, I must tell you that we haven’t even come close. I am here today to offer a few more shining examples.

As if dogs needed people to hand them another bag of shit to hold. Click the picture for a better view.

Today a Facebook friend of mine (thanks Janet) sent me something that is more than deserving of attention, and not the good kind – The “PooTrap Magic Poop Collector“, as reviewed in the Gadgets section of the CrunchGear website in an article by Doug Aamoth titled PooTrap: For people who shouldn’t own dogs in the first place. That title says it all and amen to it! If I’m someday lucky enough to actually meet someone who has one of these strapped to their dog. I will good humouredly do something funny with the contents of the bag. The review includes entries from the PooTrap website’s FAQ section, the wording of which leads me believe that this item comes from the place where the English is not the first language. In fact it could even be the place where the dog is not so much the pet as it is the lunch.

But this is all modern history. Let’s go back, go way on back, let’s go way on way back when. To the 1930’s when the spirit of invention was really full of itself. Then, as now, there seemed to be no end to human ingenuity. The excellent blog site Modern Mechanix delights in bringing these gems to light and features documented scans of original content.

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One of two inventions that caught my eye, and my IRE was “the bird dog’s palace” that appeared in an advertisement in the December 1932 issue of Modern Mechanix under the headline “Traveling Comfort for your Dog”. Please, dear readers, do give it a read and then bestow upon me your opinions in the form of unbridled comments to the article you are reading.

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And yet, it gets worse. The June 1936 edition of Popular Mechanics contained an advertisement for an infernal contraption consisting of a canvas bag with a head hole intended for the purpose of slinging a dog on the outside of a vehicle. The headline of the ad reads, “Dog Rides Comfortably in Sack On Running Board“. Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted literate things, I present to you the winner of the Large Fierce Mammal’s so far, no good, Motherfucker of the Year Award.

If you’re anything like me, these wonderful contrivances will make you wish that everyone involved with designing, manufacturing, selling, promoting, or Gods forbid, actually using them was watching the Hindenburg land at Lakehurst, New Jersey on 6 May 1937 – from the inside. That having been said, I’ll leave you with this heartfelt parting sentiment.