Large Fierce Mammal

“It’s not that people don’t give a fuck; it’s that they don’t broadcast the topics for which fucks are given. Because giving a fuck can often lead to being hurt, fucks are given more cautiously and with lesser fanfare than was the case with the fucks given in previous time periods. The proper current etiquette for fuck giving is to make those close to you aware that there is a fuck on the table, and that it can be given with fairly short notice, unless said fuck would prove wasted and would be better saved as a fuck to be given later.” ~ The Inimitable Chad Mossman; Gentleman, Warrior Curmudgeon, and Speaker of Truths

My Esteemed Friend Chad uttered these ever so wise and timely words just last week, and I share them here with you today in connection with something Mrs. LFM said yesterday in the wake of a singular event – she found herself in a situation that highlighted to her just how much energy it takes to actually wield a fuck at all, let alone give it, and in fact that fucks are actually a perishable resource that circumstances may come to require be distributed with discretion and extreme prejudice. In her words:

“You know, you don’t realize how much energy it takes to be polite until you have no energy left. And no fucks left to give, either.”

Mrs. LFM, you see, is now at term in her pregnancy with th’ Bairn LFM, and while she and he are the epitome of health and vitality, the fucks she has left to give are held in reserve for a very select few, with absolutely none available to give to anyone or anything else. If ever she refused to suffer fools lightly, they are now best advised to stay as far away from her as possible.

We live in a rural, forested area on a secluded road that leads to no beach, golf course, nor happy reception, and from which there is no alternate exit – only one way in and one way out; but notwithstanding this we get a trickling share of gawkers and people selling everything from religion to politics. With that in mind, what instigated Mrs. LFM’s statement was an incident that occurred last evening just before Dog feeding time – NEVER a good time for interruptions, no matter how well meaning or innocent the interloper may believe themselves to be.

Picture it – a car pulls up in front of the house while Mrs. LFM is outside watching over the Dogs relieving themselves before supper. The driver rolls down his window and attempts to engage her in conversation over the echos of barking Dogs.

Driver: “Hello, I’d ….”

Mrs. LFM: “Quiet!”

(Driver and Dogs fall silent.)

Mrs. LFM (with a stern glare at the driver): “Do you have an appointment?”

Driver (looking puzzled): “No, but …”

Mrs. LFM: “No one speaks to me without an appointment.”

Driver: “Well who do I speak to about an appointment?”

Mrs. LFM: “That would be me.”

Driver: “Well then, I’d like to make …”

Mrs. LFM: “No one speaks to me without an appointment.”

Car leaves. Dogs eat.