Large Fierce Mammal

“Toilet of Lampito” by Aubrey Beardsley – click to enlarge

Today’s Dark Sentiment is about things that some people permit to smell bad but shouldn’t, for there have been times and places in history, including very recent history if you get around much, when the olfactory senses have found themselves in need of assistance that has to be nothing short of supernatural.

The poem that follows was inspired by Toilet of Lampito by Aubrey Beardsley, of whom we’ve recently spoken.

The Bum Puff Fairy

By LFM

The Bum Puff Fairy comes to serve
Who speaks the righteous word.
He’ll freshen you both front and back,
And fears no size of turd.

To summon him to serve you is
As complex as it’s long,
But truly worth the trouble
For an arse that’s worth a song!

At moonlit crossroads, dig a hole,
And fill it up with rum,
Then add a bit of corn cob
That you’ve used to wipe your bum.

Next, counterclockwise spin about
Until the count of three,
Then just before you cover it,
Top up the hole with pee.

Now raise your kilt and moon the moon,
Then squat above the hole,
And speak these words as loud and clear
As with your very soul!

“Crossbow! Crossbow!
“Daddy shot a bear!
“Shot him up the asshole,
“And never touched a hair!”

Now fart three times and leap away,
The spell has come to pass!
Be speedy now, lest like the bolt
He shoots straight up your ass!

A thing of purest cleanliness
The Bum Puff Fairy is.
Every bum he cleans he makes
As clean a bum as his.

Your household full of privates,
When the Fairy sees them quelled,
Ensures that every fart and queef,
Though heard, is never smelled.

Despite his name, this Fairy’s not
Exclusively for ass.
He’ll quiet any stench from
Exudation come to pass.

He has a wee erection that
He will not leave alone,
So hand rubbed to perfection
That it gleams like polished bone.

A really small perversion though
For hygiene so profound,
But all the same you’d best not
Drop the soap when he’s around.