Dark Sentiments 2012 – Day 7: Grief
Posted By Randy on October 7, 2012
Of no surprise to my readers will be the disclosure that my brand of humour veers sharply toward the dark side. My dance card of funeral attendance over the years includes both my parents, four uncles and one aunt, an assortment of friends and the parents of others, and that’s just the humans. If memory serves, I have also officiated at or otherwise participated in the last goodbye to five dogs, one horse, one cat, three hamsters, at least six birds of various species, a similar number of reptiles, and one monkey. Species be damned. Grief is grief.
As I’ve gone through the grieving process myself, and watched others do the same, it has become clear to me that, in the end, the power and joy of a life well lived is not diminished by the final footnote that it came to an end. That grief is a path leading to a place where, without trivializing our loss or assuming a pretense that the one departed isn’t missed, we can once again think and speak of them fondly and often, without spontaneously melting into a weeping puddle of goo. That their lives will have meaning as long as those of us who remember still draw breath. ~ Die My Dear? Why That’s the Last Thing I’ll Do.
If you’ve ever lost someone who mattered, regardless of their species, you have experienced grief. If you haven’t so far, then you eventually will, because all relationships in Nature come with an expiry date. Neither good nor evil, it’s the way of things, and grief is the process Nature has given to some of her creatures (not only humans) to permit adaptation to getting on with living.
A conceit of modern society is that no hurtful thing need be tolerated. All you need is a lifelong contract with a “therapist” and a vial of pills. These days, if a school age kid dies, his or her school is closed while everyone is given the option to meet with a grief counsellor. What this has led to is schools full of kids who burst into paroxysms of tears at word of the death of someone they barely knew. This is not grief. It’s conditioned response cultivating weakness of character. It’s OK to cry, scream, and rage when it really means something, but without sincerity it’s just noise and you really need to shut the fuck up.
One can’t always walk in the sun, and there are times when navigating the darkness must be done without a light to see by until the day it comes, as it is meant to, from within. I’ll leave you with that thought, and close with one of my favourite quotes from James Tiberius Kirk, spoken in a pivotal scene from Star Trek V – The Final Frontier:
Damn it Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They’re the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. [to Sybok] I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!
Sorry, pal. The words “humor” and “grief” have no place in the same article. I call FAIL because I don’t post obscenities.
Well you know Roscoe, the series is called “Dark Sentiments” for a reason. I find it interesting that past articles here have concerned themselves with such subjects as cannibalism, creating memorabilia by photographing the dead, genocide, demonic killing and ongoing torture of children – even torture in an erotic context; but it took seeing the words “grief” and “humour” together in the same article to get you up on your hind legs. I’m inclined to conclude that you don’t apply the same definition to “obscenity” that I do. Maybe I’m limiting myself by sticking so strictly to what lies within the covers of my OED.
What concerns me is that you would have hit “grief” in the title, and then “humour” in the first sentence, and then branded the entire piece obscene on that basis. Did you read the rest of it, including the article from which the offending quotation was extracted? If not, please go and do that because the quotation was from an article I wrote a while back in memory of my Esteemed Father in Law, and I would take umbrage with any intimation of obscenity in that regard.
What’s really ironic here though is that, while proof reading this piece, I almost deleted the first sentence of the offending quotation because I felt its reference to humour was a bit out of context with the tone of the article. In the end I decided to leave it in and quote the two relevant paragraphs in their entirety. Now, thanks to you, I can’t have any second thoughts because editing it at this point would cast your eloquent comment into irrelevance and leave all my other readers with the suspicion that you didn’t get my point. Valuing all input from my readership as I do, I’m sure you will appreciate that I won’t allow that to happen.
Thank you for your comment.
Well “pal”, people work their way through grief in different ways. Who are you to say doing so with humour is wrong?? And obscene?!? I would ask if you were joking, but judging by your comment, lack of humour is pretty evident.
I invite you to visit this very obscene (according to your definition) site, and perhaps learn how humour can help people deal with all sorts of issues. Provided you have a sense of humour to begin with.
http://thelaughacademy.com/home/?p=33
“Species be damned, grief is grief.”So true so true Randy. I have seen and felt my share of grief as well and I say grief and humor are words that go together well. If humor does not eventually take its place in one’s soul, then grief would never ease up. And a person who never stops grieving is a coward. And self important.
So thanks for a beautifully written article and some food for thought.
Thank you my Esteemed Friend. You never miss my drift.
I, too, believe that grief and humour can go together, or at least that it is not obscene mentioned in the same article. Grief isn’t a static emotion, but peppered with all kinds of other: anger, fear, despair, love – especially love, and also humour.
What really stood out for me in this post is the mention of people “grieving” for someone(s) they have had no relationship with. This also annoys the heck out of me. Not a day media doesn’t remind us to commemorate one or the other event and call us to collectively dissolve in the drama, and it baffles me how many folks follow the call. Then again, one receives so much social attention when grieving, even if it’s just crocodile tears.
“Therefore the LORD, the God of hosts, the Lord, saith thus; Wailing shall be in all streets; and they shall say in all the highways, Alas! alas! and they shall call the husbandman to mourning, and such as are skilful of lamentation to wailing.” ~ Amos 5:16 (King James Bible – Cambridge Ed.)
Yes, in Biblical times you could actually hire professional mourners, and even choose that as a profession of your own. Mayhap all these sappy attention whores we encounter everywhere are missing out on a business opportunity – at least until a “reality show” offer comes their way.
Well done Randy , Diana I know how you embrace life with friends of a number of species , proud to be one of them.
You’re part of the Clan.
Thanks for this one Randy, I buried our cat last week and found it to be one of the hardest things to do….this story helped cope with the grief….humour and grief do, indeed, walk hand in hand.
I’m glad it helped Bruce.
[…] Day 7 of last year’s Dark Sentiments, I published an article titled Grief that attracted a lot of spirited, heartfelt, and much appreciated commentary. I invite you today to […]