Large Fierce Mammal

Source: http://beforeiloveandleaveyou.tumblr.com/

Tonight’s Dark Sentiment is about an all too common, and ever so toxic, affair of the heart — unrequited love. For clarity, let’s agree on a formal definition of that term:

Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as “not reciprocated or returned in kind”. ~ Wikipedia, Unrequited Love

Unrequited love abounds in the world, and always has. It is experienced by both women and men, the gay and the straight. For tonight, I will limit my examination exclusively to the male perspective, if for no other reason than that I am personally aware of, and on speaking terms with, five men to whom what follows applies.

None of the cases I am speaking to tonight include any of the complicating factors of failed marriage, progeny, abuse of any kind, or culturally induced responses to perceived slights against honour. Neither do they involve women who are blissfully unaware — they are VERY aware, and simply wish their rejected but eternally hopeful suitor would move on.

Each of these cases shares these common bonds:

1. There has been a taste — The man has been involved in an intimate sexual relationship with his beloved, and she has declared this to have ended.
2. There is a rival — The beloved is now in a stable, and reciprocally loving relationship with someone else.
3. Perception of superiority — The man believes himself to be superior, more noble, and more deserving of the beloved’s affections than anyone else she may ever be with.
4. Code of honour — The man adheres to a rigidly self-imposed code of conduct that, while it precludes forcing his affections on his beloved, may justify other troublesome behaviours intended to remove rivals and bring her “back” to him.
5. Self-appointed guardianship — The man feels justified in keeping watch over his beloved out of what he will frame as concern for her welfare, and a maintained willingness to leap to her defense at the slightest sign she is “in trouble”. By natural extension, this justifies stalking and expressions of overt disdain for his rival(s) intended to provoke altercations with them. This ignores the veracity of something my Mother always said — While there are some who enjoy it, any woman worth having knows that there are few things more ugly than two men fighting over her, so that when they’re done, she’ll be gone. This, I will add, does not apply to sound application of force in her actual defence, which is an entirely different thing.
6. A Sense of ownership — The man sees the beloved as “his woman”, notwithstanding the duration of the “taste” (see 1 above) which may be anything from a one night stand to a 20 year affair.
7. Self-absolution of guilt — In cases where the relationship with the beloved is the result of an affair against one or two spouses, the man carries a sense that they will go on together into a blissful future, with the expectation that fidelity to this relationship will be different.
8. No burning bridges — The man attempts to maintain contact with the beloved. In the cases I have observed, this is in what he will frame as strictly “friendship” or a “professional”capacity. In the worst of cases, and in combination with the aforesaid, he can justify taking time to stalk the beloved that could be better spent dating someone else. Advice that there are times in which bridges must be burnt, if only to prevent yourself from ever crossing them again, will fall upon deaf ears, no matter how earnestly uttered, even by the police.
9. Permanent derailment — The man has been unsuccessful in building a relationship with anyone else due to a clinging hope that he must remain forever available to the come hither from his beloved that will never come. While he may believe it to be held hidden within his heart of hearts, this holds all the subtlety of a fresh dog turd stuck to his shoe, and so will inevitably be noticed by any women he may dally with.
10. The roller coaster resentment — As time passes, and with advancing age, the man’s love begins to turn progressively toward the dark side. At the very least, he dies at the end of an emotionally stunted life that he comes to blame on his beloved. In extreme cases it results in murder, suicide, or both. I hasten to add that none of the cases I am presently studying has reached this point, but two have skated close to the line.

Let us now move on to some musical examples of what I’m talking about. As you will not be surprised to learn, it’s a genre unto itself. Listen to this playlist and see how many items from the list above you can match to the songs.

While it’s been a hit for Engelbert Humperdinck, and with no disrespect to him, to my sensibilities, Am I That Easy to Forget needs to come from Jim Reeves.

Sir Tom Jones is a veritable fount of examples in this genre, beginning with his hit, It’s Not Unusual. Here it is with lyrics so you can sing along.

Here is a 1974 performance of I Who Have Nothing, complete with wardrobe realities I sincerely hope will never be seen again outside period pieces.

And let us not forget the perfect example of extreme ends that is Delilah.

Lastly for tonight, here is Desperado by the Eagles. While the overall intention of the song departs slightly from my message here, few songs contain such a poignant reminder of what peril lies in turning aside future happiness in favour of what you hope might come to be. Here are the Eagles to sing us out.