Large Fierce Mammal

Here I am on a canoe trip with My People. I like being with My People, finding stuff, adventuring in the woods, canoeing, and swimming (when the water’s nice). Do I look like I’m having fun? That’s because I AM, and THAT’S because My People know what I like, and that it isn’t always the same as what they like! Click the picture and you’ll see more of how cute I am, but don’t fucking hug me unless you’re on the list.

I’ve been hearing a lot of bullshit about hugging Dogs lately. Digging around, I turned up this piece of crap that includes so much bad advice for clueless people that I don’t know who to bite first. There’s this:

April 10th is a day dedicated to something you probably do multiple times within every 24-hour span: hug your dog. According to a new survey of U.S. dog owners, 68% of respondents actually hug their pups more often than the people in their lives.

How much do we love grabbing onto our furry friends? 30 percent of those surveyed said they hug their dogs more than their relatives — and 26 percent said that the hug their dogs more than their best friends.

And this:

Most dogs will appreciate your hugs — but who is most likely to reciprocate your affection?

Unless your definition of “reciprocate” includes a trip to the emergency room, how about just assuming the answer to that last part is NOBODY, and adjust your own behaviour to match that? I don’t get why so many people understand where to draw the touchy feely line with other people but think every Dog is just waiting to be man handled at every opportunity. I hear My People swear all the time about how it’s too often said that a “good Dog” is one you can “do anything to”, but they haven’t yet shown me who’s saying that so I don’t know who to bite. I’m biding my time for the great day when we’re out for a walk and that one shows up. I’ll give them a love tap of my own they’ll never forget.

Speaking for myself, I don’t like surprises, especially from people I don’t know. And the broom that lives in the pantry. I won’t trust that fucking thing as far as I can toss it. I do like to snuggle with and kiss My People; non stop given a chance; but I only do that when they give me the right signals, and they do the same for me. Other people should try that model on for size, and best of all, teach your own two legged puppies the same thing. We Dogs don’t let our own babies fuck around while we pretend it’s OK, and you shouldn’t either!

I know Beneful isn’t the only bunch out there promoting this nonsense, but they’re the ones I’m glaring at right now because I’m an ACD and that’s how we roll. We’re focusy like that. I give this whole “hug your Dog day” five out of five bights in the ass, and suggest that instead of encouraging people to risk their Dog’s life posing cutesy pictures of their toddler latching onto its head so they can post them on facebook, you encourage instead pictures of people and their Dogs doing things they all enjoy together, in safety, mutual understanding, and respect. And while you’re at it, don’t just stick it to one day out of the year. We only live so long you know!

If you don’t get that last part, write to me. My advice column, Ask Bitey, is coming soon. Write to me and I’ll tune you the fuck in. Use my official “Ask Bitey” Contact form here. I’ll answer you in April when the feature starts. That’s right – April. In the mean time, I’ve got shit to do.

And that fucking broom to watch.