Large Fierce Mammal

“Hands up!” (1912) by Will Crawford. Original from Library of Congress.

My message for this Christmas Eve comes from the perspective of my 17 years as a police and fire dispatcher, taking the reports and facilitating the arrests of belligerent half wits who can’t stand the sight of each other at any other time, but who annually, and if temporarily experiencing the convenience of being out of jail, feel the compulsion to assemble in a volatile mixture of sibling hatred, testosterone, alcohol, recreational pharmaceuticals, hot chip fat forgotten on the stove, candles, and one or two of their dysfunctional geriatric parents, because somehow, this time the magic of Christmas will make it all different.

The Gift of Choice

By LFM

Each Christmas Eve throughout the land
Goode Santa comes with bag in hand,
Inside it gifts rewarding good,
And all that’s sweet in childhood.

And also there, though seldom seen’s,
His penalty for being mean.
A darkling lump of anthracite
For those imbued with bile and spite.

Yet each year on his next return,
Olde Santa finds some never learn,
And so for those he changes gears —
A binding choice for future years.

So hearken to the coal’s demand
Or meet what fills his other hand.
Learn bugger all from coal in stocking,
And hear his big revolver cocking.

Choose what’s in the bag or gun,
Two choices and no other one.
Don’t try to claim it isn’t fair,
Your time is up, he doesn’t care.

Tearful lies that sound sincere
May work in court but never here.
Try to waft that bullshit smell
And Santa blows your soul to Hell.