Large Fierce Mammal

Yesterday, Mrs. LFM and I learned that the child we are expecting to be born this coming August is a boy. Evidently, even in matters that are beyond the reach of conscious control, we are still traditionalists.

So now, the subject of naming this boy can be addressed. Unlike other parents who go at the process hammer and tongs the moment the pee turns the line on the stick, compiling lengthy lists of names applicable to both sexes, we shelved all that until we knew who we were actually expecting. Why waste 50% of your efforts?

Mrs. LFM and I, along with most of you reading this, come from the European norm wherein one has a surname, carrying acknowledgment of lineage, and a given name which is chosen for the child by his or her parents. Other given names may or may not be chosen to lie between the first given and the surname, but there is no obligatory system of normalcy there. On my paternal side, the custom has always been for the Father’s first given name to lay claim to that place, while on my maternal it often was assigned to the first given name of an honoured friend, relative, or benefactor.

No matter though, because that ever so important first given name is the subject of the day. Looking around, at least in North America, it’s not hard to find a trend toward what we call “made up” names, many of which have never existed before, and those that will forever brand the bearer with the name of a parent’s favourite television or movie heart throb. This last is why there are so many boys right now named Edward and Jacob, as in, “No, I wasn’t named after an ancestor. My mother was a Twilight groupie!”, as well as one reason the LFM son will not be named Gannicus Crixus Ryszard Lawrence Whynacht). This practice ignores a few basic Truths that affect the power of a name, and therefore perceptions of those who bear it.

Here are some guidelines that we recommend keeping in mind in the course of such an important task. First and foremost, the name chosen must not be granted under any sense of blind duty to conform with what might be cast as parental or family obligations. It must take into account that it will be the label identifying a child during his or her formative years, and therefore must not readily lend itself to ridicule by way of known diminutive nick names that are already associated with it. Similarly, it should not rhyme with the surname (my Grade 6 Teacher reported that she had a Teacher in her own youth named Mariah McGuire), nor should it be commonly associated with a fictional or historical figure; Arthur, James, and Tristan being notable exceptions. We cannot predict what may come to be written or learned in the future world, but in the present one, the families Potter and Arnold would be well advised to steer clear of naming their sons Harry and Benedict respectively. It must not be found within the works of William Shakespeare (I once encountered a woman from Hong Kong named Flavia Fong, and have never quite gotten over it).

Beyond how the name will work in childhood, it must likewise never be forgotten that most children will grow to be adults, and so the name must wear well through and into the transition. It must work as well in the playground as it will in the board room, battlefield, or boudoir. With no insult intended, the name Todd does not wear well beyond the toddler stage.

No hippie names. You are not Frank Zappa, Sonny and Cher, nor Gwyneth Paltrow, and in the naming of children, they shouldn’t have been either. The name must not be ostentatious, nor should it come with the encumbrance of a prepackaged nick name that bears little to no resemblance with the actual name. With no offense meant to any Henry, Charles, or Richard in the world, I personally rail at the application and general acceptance of Hal, Chuck, and most particularly Dick. In my own case, my Mother eschewed the names Randolph and Randall, but liked the name Randy, and so here I am. You can imagine my delight the day I discovered my mother was naming me in recognition of a trait she valued in her Men.

But now, let’s look at the real seat of power inherent in a name – that which instantly conjures preconceptions of inherent value in the one who bears it. There were, and are, cultures in the world for whom the very thought of announcing one’s real name would be anathema, all in the belief that the knowing of such an intimate thing would grant advantage to an adversary. It could make one vulnerable to sorcery, and must needs remain hidden at all costs. This is quite opposite to the effects I and Mrs. LFM see at work in the world. Let me give you a few examples, but before I do, I will emphasize that what follows is in no way intended to heap ridicule on any name or person associated with it.

In the realm of personal beauty, character, and charm, rare is that one who can say with truth that the mind does not elevate expectations at the mere hearing of certain names. Just as rare would be he or she who can say that this repeated reaction has not been a source of horrible disappointment more often than delight. The first example I would offer is the given name Diana, which is worn with such panache and aplomb by none less than Mrs. LFM herself. Before I knew her, I had met more than a few disappointing specimens bearing that label, but that never stopped me from liking the name, and anticipating Womanly goodness from all who bore it until reality proved otherwise. My Diana is the very definition of all I ever imagined, and to speak her name is to caress every delightful syllable.

Spelling variations of the same name can also engender such effects. Take for example Sylvia and Silvia – the first being the most common North American spelling, and the other a very common European one. I get nothing positive or negative from Sylvia, but to my mind, and that of Mrs. LFM, Silvia comes with more potency.

Maximilian, Maxim, or Maksym can, and will, be shortened to Max or Maks. Maximilian is borderline ostentatious unless there is actually a relative being honoured by the name, but Maxim/Maksym and Max/Maks carry the kind of anticipation of quality I’m talking about. If that Man were a Swordsman, a Dancer, or a Musician for example, one expects he would be an exceptional one, and there, good reader, lies the rub. One I can personally attest to.

When a name carries that kind of mojo, it both grants a generous leg up before that person enters the room – a parentally granted cheat as it were – and at the same time carries a weight of obligation for the one wielding it to  be up to and worthy of the expectation. One feels this acutely in the act of seduction when one’s given name is Randy, I can assure you.

Power indeed. As Parents, we must wield it wisely.