Dark Sentiments 2012 – Day 5: Dark Arts
Posted By Randy on October 5, 2012
On Day 23 of last year’s Dark Sentiments, we looked at issues surrounding the announced discovery of what might be the first known artifact to bear an inscription that refers to the Biblical Christ. Here at LFM, we enjoy a good mystery as much as the next bloke or blokette, and today we’re going to focus on forbidden knowledge.
There is a distinct difference between “secret knowledge” and “forbidden knowledge”. They are not the same, although they can be considered as two sides of the same coin. When knowledge is secret, the fact that one possesses it is withheld from all but a select few. When it is forbidden, its possession by anyone outside the select few will invite dire, usually mortal, consequences, and woe betide he who permitted or otherwise facilitated its dissemination to the free range hooples.
Many will be familiar with how Bruce Lee was taken to task by Masters who sought to restrict training in Asian Martial arts to Asians alone, and nearly lost his life in a contest to defend his persistence in teaching anyone who wanted to learn, regardless of race. Less known is the ongoing tale of the as yet unidentified Master, who today flaunts his vows to promise this –
Fear No Man!
I’ll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch … the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage.
The Master Who Cannot Be Named’s website further states –
The FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENCE, kept secret for centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH, BATTER, FRACTURE, CRUSH, DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and HARM are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP-GOCH master AT HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL and so on ONLY in SELF DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you will understand.)
Llap-Goch is, “THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever been widely advertised and available to EVERYONE”. It, “… was developed in Wales because for the average Welshman, the best prospects of achieving a reasonable standard of living lie with the acquisition of the most efficient techniques of armed robbery.”
With only a four second daily workout, the Llap-Goch practitioner is promised these stunning results –
- DEVELOP UP TO 38″ BICEPS
- GROW UP TO 12″ TALLER
- LOSE UP TO 40″ OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
- PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS
- GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO THINK OF PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE “UP TO” CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER “NOUGHT”.
The brilliant simplicity of Llap-Goch is encapsulated thus:
The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore, the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU… Or BETTER… BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!
If you think Llap-Goch might be your cup of tea, go straight away to the Master’s website here and find out what the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENCE can do for you. You might even learn what in Hell all the capital letters are about.
Dark Art indeed.
Very amusing indeed, Randy. Reminds me of the old ads for Count Dante, the worlds most dangerous man. Thank the stars for the Internet, where anecdotes and stories like this can still be found. BTW, I used to know someone who had Count Dante’s book. Thanks for dredging up some dark memories of the deadly forbidden arts!!!