Large Fierce Mammal

Source: http://zombietools.net/

There were supposed to be two zombie inspired articles here this year, but thanks to the late breaking news of Lindsay Lohan’s zombification, we all got stuck with one extra. Tonight though, the coast is clear (I know because I’m almost literally sitting on it) and we can proceed with the way things were supposed to be.

I personally dislike the term “survivalism” just as much as that used to describe its adherents – “survivalist” – because they sloppily cloud the most important issue – the fact that in Nature there are only two cardinal points called “Life” and “Death”, and in between them lies a quality scale that runs from “thriving” on the one end and “better off dead” on the other. Therefore, until you reach the “Death” end of that scale, you are alive, and by definition “surviving”.

As long as you are alive you will be subject to the vagaries of the universe, and no matter how well heeled, beautiful, or lucky you think you are, your life will always be as vulnerable to unforeseen influences, for good or for ill, as the ship of any ancient mariner. Ancestors with far simpler tools, but far more knowledge based fortitude. than most who think themselves entitled to whatever quality of life they have achieved as of today understood this – one does not aspire merely to survive; one aspires to LIVE to the best of one’s ability given the circumstances!

Zombies bedamned, dead is dead, and there is no scale that defines the quality of death. Life, on the other hand, has flavours that we’re going to call the “quality” of life, so the higher the quality, the happier and better off you are.

First, people routinely refer to the “will” or “desire” to live, and those who use such terms have clearly never observed Nature’s creatures as they go about their business. In Nature there is no such limp wristed concept as the “will” to live. There is only the intention to live. The fact that we are here tonight proves that to be a constant in the equation.

So we have our constant, but every good equation needs an equally good variable if it’s going to yield any kind of meaningful result. We’re in luck, because there are two variables in this here case, defining the quality of life:

• the outcome of individual choices (the stupid factor); and
• the unexpected (the Murphy factor).

If that’s too mathematical for you, look at it in light of the old story of the ant and the grasshopper. The ant was diligent in  getting his shit together because he knew that, no matter how good things were now, they might unexpectedly get worse because, oh he seen fire an’ he seen rain.

The dipshit grasshopper on the other hand, he pissed away his resources faster than he could get them, so that when the shit hit the fan, he was, to use the technical term employed by us professional emergency preparedness types, fucked.

As I researched the concepts of the zombie apocalypse, I discovered a lot of art – some of it to my liking, and as usual, a lot that resembled what I flushed down the toiled this morning. Whatever, an apocalypse, zombie or otherwise, isn’t going to be the end of anyone who:

1. Is possessed of the intention to live; and
2. Does everything in his or her power to mitigate their own personal stupid factor; unless
3. Murphy declares otherwise with such speed and ferocity that the first two steps don’t matter.

What it all comes down to then is realistic personal preparedness of mind, body, and spirit; as usual, but all too often forgotten. Beyond that, a few well chosen tools won’t hurt, but it’s no accident I list them as secondary here.

All that having been said, I’ll tell you that in preparing for this article I enjoyed, in no particular order, the Zombie Squad, whose motto is, “We make dead things deader”,  Zombie Tools – Accessories for the Apocalypse, and The Zombie Hunters – a beautifully rendered bit of art. More on that last one in particular in future LFM ramblings.

At the end of the day, and with my utmost respects to The Most Interesting Man in the World, I don’t always fight zombies, but when I do, I prefer to be  self reliant. Stay ready my friends.