Large Fierce Mammal

Crossing the County Line on Highway 103. (Source: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/94/ce/bc/94cebc751ea5eee1bccb11a8839a4173.jpg)

When I was growing up in Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, long before the cultivation of Christmas Trees as agricultural operations had become a major industry, my Father had innumerable friends and customers who owned woodland we were granted freedom to harvest our annual Balsam Fir from. It was a big deal because my Father had high standards, and it was a point of pride for him to find a tree that was perfectly proportioned and “bushy” enough, to use his terminology, to permit hiding the inevitable bald patch in the corner.

Now, Lunenburg County touts itself as the “Balsam Fir Christmas Tree Capital of the World”, having added the species specific reference a while back to soften the edge in the face of umbrage from a competing Pennsylvania claim.

Add to this that the House of LFM and associated holdings stands adjacent to a Christmas Tree plantation, and it will come as no surprise that the tale of Nooks Lindell’s Weihnachtsbaum caught my attention.

Before wading into the ripping yarn that is Mr. Lindell’s adventure, I will pause here for a teachable moment. Everyone here knows the traditional song O Tannenbaum as part of their seasonal soundtrack, but for those in need of a refresher, here’s Andrea Bocelli to bring it all home for you, complete with a childrens’ choir, Salvation Army band, and a delivery so sweet you’re like to die.

The German word “Tannenbaum” refers specifically to a Christmas Tree of the Balsam Fir persuasion, but many cultures traditionally harvest species of the Honourable Spruce and Pine families for the same purpose. For these is used the nonspecific “Weihnachtsbaum”, and so you see, while every Christmas Tree can be called a Weihnachtsbaum, Tannenbaum is reserved exclusively for the Balsam Fir. As I have no idea what species of Tree was involved in what follows, I’ve gone full on generic, and if you learn nothing else today, I am proud to have delivered this.

So getting back to our yarn du jour, Nooks Lindell lives in Arviat, located on the western shore of Hudson Bay in the Kivalliq Region of Nunavut in the Canadian Arctic. From there, it’s 130 hard kilometers by snow machine to the tree line. I don’t know how long the trip takes, but it’s safe to say it’s a LOT of replays through Born to be Wild.

And so it came to pass that on 7 December 2019, Mr. Lindell, in company of his friend Joe Gauy, set forth on the shakedown cruise of his newly built snowmobile cargo sled. Their mission — to bring home some Christmas Trees.

They had two things going against them. First, the temperature was -31 degrees Celsius (-23.8 Fahrenheit) and they went contrary to the advice of Mr. Lindell’s uncle, “… who gets a tree from the treeline every year, by going on a warmer day when the needles are less likely to fall off.”

Second, so focused on being prepared to complete the actual trip were they that they failed to factor in the logistics of the objective — once one has found a Tree, how does one bring it down when no saw or axe has been brought on the expedition?

You can see where this is going.

Four and a half hours into the mission, it was discovered that the expedition was well equipped for a hunting trip, just not of this kind, but because progress will forever be denied to those who listen to reason, our intrepid company pressed on.

They arrived at the treeline to find a host of worthy choices and a conundrum. Faced with a choice between the only force multipliers available to them — felling trees by brute force of snowmobile or small arms fire — fear of equipment damage that might compromise safe return swayed the decision to the latter. Besides, as Mr. Lindell opined, “I had just bought a lot of bullets half price, so I was OK with the idea of shooting it down.”

Ten .303 rounds later, presumably fired from some variant of Lee Enfield, two trees had been bagged — the 6 metre (19.7 foot) one being fired at, and another innocent bystander directly behind it, felled as collateral damage. In the end, four trees were loaded up for the long, dark trip home.

Nooks Lindell with his freshly shot down Christmas Tree. What could possibly go wrong? (Nooks Lindell photo. Source: CBC)

At the end of it all, “… while Gauy has one decorated in his home, Lindell is using an artificial one because the trees didn’t travel well during the dark and bumpy ride back to Arviat.”

Home at last! (Nooks Lindell photo. Source: CBC)

“‘Sure enough, when we got home, the trees didn’t have many needles left — maybe one or two branches with a couple of needles,’ Lindell said.

“He also lost the end of the tallest tree when he hit a snowbank.

“‘Our trail was probably easy to follow because of all the needles left behind,‘ he said.”

Undeterred by the sheer Charlie Brownishness of the outcome, Joe Gauy’s Christmas erection went on as planned, as this photo and the Dogs in it will attest.

The snowshoe ornament and tree skirt are to die for! Click the image for more splendour. (Joe Gauy photo. Source: CBC)

Culturally indisposed to waste anything, Nooks Lindell has kept his tree and plans to use it as the shaft of a kakivak — an Inuit fishing spear.