Large Fierce Mammal

Testicular harvesting implement deployed.

A seeming lifetime ago, it took me a few years to scrape off a bad marriage like shit from my shoe. Particularly during the last two of those horrendous years, when it was dead in everything but name, the state of things were kept a closely guarded secret for logistical reasons that have no bearing on today’s discussion. The important part is the two year secrecy – when the bomb eventually dropped, it was equivalent in the public mind to a sudden event.

One routinely sees music artists, who have plied their trade for 15 years in a variety of bands, finally find acceptance and get branded an “overnight sensation”. I know how they feel. My relationship with she now spoken of in reverent tones as Mrs. LFM became known to the world two years after my previous marriage augured in for the last time, but at pretty much the same time the Great Unwashed learned of the first event.

Naturally, the conclusion was that I had traded my previous wife in on a newer, faster, hotter model. While Mrs. LFM certainly fits that physical description, that wasn’t what happened, but what the hell. It was small town Nova Scotia, and in a month everybody had new things to gossip about.

The funny thing is, in the short interval between breaking news of the demise of my marriage and the seeming overnight explosion of my new relationship, I received a barrage of unsolicited and in some cases quite graphic advances from ten women and two men, all of whom wanted to console me in the most carnal ways possible. I know I’m nice to look at and fun to be around, but even I had no idea I had such a following. I let each one down as gently as they deserved, and more than a few took it personally.

Anyway, if you come here even once and spend any time at all, you will know I am married, and I will stress for the last time, to a woman of a quality I had previously spent my life believing only existed in exceptionally well written fantasy and erotic fiction. Some cultures accept it as a given that married couples will take lovers, and I completely get this. I have taken both a Wife and a Mistress, and they are both the same woman.

All this having been said, a dynamic, high profile, attractive couple will have its admirers, a few of whom will from time to time get pushy enough to require an adjustment in attitude. We are no different than Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in this regard. We will not tone ourselves down, but will make our position clear in the form of the following poem. While it’s written from a male perspective, I can safely say Mrs. LFM applies the same sentiment.

To break apart a marriage
Requires one thing to be –
That where both thought of “Us” before,
Each feels there’s only “Me”.

Respect departs, and with it trust,
And when that day arrives,
The two are better off alone,
Than living toxic lives.

But when two people really are
As one in soul combined,
No force of Man can intervene
To break that sacred bind.

As long as such as they draw breath
They stand as One in all.
Multiplied by more than two,
And standing miles tall.

Yet there are those who still will try
To find their way between,
Who seek to scale a wall so high
Its top cannot be seen.

Such ones as they believe they can
Have anything they see.
Their rampant fancy struts about
And crows, “Hey! Look at me!”

With nothing in their lives to prove
“I’m married,” means a thing,
They soon forget that no means no,
And why one wears the Ring.

The only code they live by
Is that up to now they’ve won,
And up to now nobody’s come
To interrupt their fun.

But I live by a different code,
Of Honour, and despise
He who disrespects the Love
In my Beloved’s eyes.

No strutting cock can steal away
A woman from her man.
If she is truly his alone,
I say, no other can.

That one forgets a mother’s wish –
To have her grandchild born.
Born to son and wife in pride,
In wedlock legal sworn.

His mother would be horrified
If that day never falls.
Her grandchild never comes to be
For want of father’s balls.

So let me gentle that my boy,
To pacify your mother.
I’ll only take one testicle,
As warning to the other.