Large Fierce Mammal

How a woman accessorizes for her date with you will often give subtle hints as to your chance of getting lucky as opposed to gelded.

I recently came across an advice article entitled “Everyone wants to know how to read the sexual body language.” You can read the entire article here.

After reading it twice and letting the laughter subside, I felt compelled, as your security and survival professional, to comment on its contents. For clarity, I am quoting items from the article inside of blockquote bars with my comments following each. Here we go:

“It is well known that men and women use a wide variety of gestures while paying court to somebody. Most gestures are used unknowingly. The success of the relationship depends on your ability to give certain signals and perceive the ones that are being sent to you.”

From this it is clear that “success of the relationship” really means “chance of getting laid”.

“Raised eyebrows. When we see a person that we consider attractive, we begin raising and lowering our eyebrows. If the person also feels drawn to you, his eyebrows will also start going up and down. This gesture lasts only 1/5 of a second but it takes place all the time, with people of both sexes and all ages. This “eye making” can be easily left unnoticed, but if you do notice it, you will certainly be given 100% of the person’s attention.”

Just take a moment to picture this. Two people across the table from each other, desperately trying to signal attraction by doing their very best Groucho Marx impression. Dat’s da funniest t’ing I evah hoid. According to the last sentence there, you win some kind of attention prize for noticing what the other person’s eyebrows are doing, but I think you have to mention it to them to get all that attention.

“Slightly opened lips. If a person likes you, his or her lips automatically open the moment your eyes meet.”

I must be incredibly popular. I’m constantly running into people whose lips open the minute they see me and who won’t shut their mouths long enough to take a frigging breath.

“Standing at attention. If a man is standing straight, with his shoulders squared and with his belt tightened, he’s trying to show himself in all his beauty. If he is leaning forward to hear what the woman is saying, it is even better.”

Good posture is always attractive, and you should practice it every day, even when alone. If a man really wants to show himself in all his beauty he should make it obvious that his spine isn’t the only part of him that’s “standing straight”. On the matter of leaning forward to hear what the woman is saying, that might be correctly interpreted here but I think it’s more likely that she should speak the fuck up.

“Adjusting the clothes. If a man is adjusting his tie, he really hopes that you will notice it. He may also sleek his hair, pull down his jacket, see if his lapels are in the right place. When a man is playing with the buttons of his jacket he’s probably nervous. Using this gesture he’s also trying to demonstrate his subconscious wish to get undressed for you. The next stage is when he takes his jacket off and places his arms on his hips. If he has used all these gestures, it means he’s already imagining your shoes under his bed.”

A guy who worked for me used to say, “You have to keep your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your eye on the ball, and still be able to work in that position.” That’s kind of what sprung to mind when I read about all this tie adjusting, hair sleeking, jacket yanking, lapel checking, and button pulling. Now, I can honestly tell you that for me, wanting to get undressed for my woman is NOT a subconscious wish. Nope nope nope, it’s right out there in the realms of constant and obvious, and was from the beginning. And the “next stage” confuses me. First of all, after you’ve exerted all that effort pulling and tugging and sleeking that jacket into perfect alignment it seems a waste to take it off. Also, how do you put your arms on your hips without looking like a dolt? Lastly, we are told that only after a man “… has used all these gestures …” does it mean he’s “… imagining your shoes under his bed.” Honestly, there is no convulsive seizure relay race on the road to getting laid, and if this guy ends up with the woman’s shoes under his bed it’s because he stole them.

“Playing with the hair. In order to show her sympathy towards a man, a woman makes a movement with her head to get her hair off her face. She may also move it aside with her hand. She tries to send the same signal by licking her lips. By the way, men also like sprucing up while talking to a woman. At the same time a woman will never miss a chance to count the number of times a man sleeks or bristles up his hair during the conversation.”

Sympathy? Is that what we’re going for? The underlying philosophy here is that a mercy fuck is still sex. It can’t be denied that “… a woman will never miss a chance to count the number of times a man sleeks or bristles up his hair during the conversation ….” but the count will be against you. No woman wants a man who behaves as though he thinks he’s prettier than she is.

“Voyeurism. A man is openly trying to show that he’s examining the woman’s body, by casting some looks at its most beautiful parts. Ladies, you shouldn’t be flattered, he automatically scanned your figure the first second he saw you. All he wants to do now is to let you know that he considers you as his sexual partner.”

This one is a little too subtle. Why has Nature endowed us with an appetite for sex? To make babies and lots of ‘em! To accomplish this, Nature has equipped us to check out a prospective mate for all the best attributes. Is she built to keep me warm in the cave at night? Check! Child bearin’ hips? Check! Good strong teeth that are actually hers so she can chew the skins for my moccasins? Check! Don’t ya just want to breast feed right now? Check check check!!!! You get my point.

“Crossing the legs. If the toes of a person’s shoes are pointed at you, he or she is certainly interested in you. If you point your knee towards the person you’re interested in, you’ll demonstrate that you’re ready for a closer relationship. One of the most captivating poses is when a woman is sitting with her legs crossed under herself and her knees are exposed to the person she’s talking to. It means she’s (sic) wants a man to take more decisive steps.”

When someone shows “interest” in you, it isn’t always good. How about having the police show interest in you? Having someone’s toes or knee pointed at me has never been on the top of my list of good things, but I do keep an eye out for this behaviour, and especially for what part of my body they’re pointing their toes or knee at. About this “captivating” pose the woman is supposed to get into, maybe she’s trying to tell the man that he should take the decisive step of buying some fucking furniture so she doesn’t have to sit on the floor.

“Playing around with cylindrical objects. A man, as well as a woman, when excited, will definitely find a glass or even a fork to stroke it or to touch it with his fingers. Cylindrical objects remind men of the woman’s breasts, and the women of the man’s genitals. Woman’s wrist has always been considered one of the erogenous zones. When a woman is interested in a man she’ll try to keep her palms and her wrists in the man’s sight.”

Where in hell do they get this shit? Cylindrical forks? And unless you’ve been knocking back shooters all night, the glasses on the table won’t be cylindrical either. Ladies, if a guy tells you that he’s playing with cylindrical objects because they remind him of your breasts, believe me, you’d better own a strap-on because I can see where this is going. Also, should a man be happy because a woman is thinking about his penis while fondling an item of cutlery? On that last bit, it has always been my advice to tell your date to keep their hands where you can see them, at least until you know each other better.

“Touching the face. If a person is interested in you, he’ll keep touching his chin, his ears and his cheeks. It means that he or she is subconsciously fixing the lies. This is a combination of nervous and autoerotic actions. When we’re interested in somebody, our lips and the lower part of the face become very sensitive to stimulation. If you’re smoking, you’ll begin inhaling more often. If you’re drinking something, you’ll begin taking more sips. You enjoy touching your lips, and what is more, you let the other person know that a kiss is not far off.”

Fixing the lies? I expend a lot of time and creative energy in crafting my lies thank you, so they don’t need to be fixed. All this head touching makes my eye twitch. If the touching goes lower, or they start touching YOUR chin, ears, cheeks (either set), then you’ll get the message loud and clear. And apparently, in my case, I have a very long face because that increased sensitivity they talk about goes all the way down to my … chin. If you’re smoking, bugger off chump. It’s a deal breaker. If the other person is taking more sips, consider that as a sign you’re close to getting lucky, but just they need a little more thickness on those beer goggles before they take the plunge. Lastly, for most louts and losers, a kiss is never far off. It’s getting the other person to reciprocate that creates the problem.

“The leading hand. It is a good sign if a man is holding you by the elbow or by the shoulder. In the first place, it is a good way to lead you through the crowd. Secondly, this way he can be sure that you don’t get lost. Thirdly, this will frighten away the other men: after all, you already have one by your side. Fourthly, this lets him accidentally touch you … All in all, it’s a good gesture.”

I really enjoyed this one. Last week, Mrs. LFM and I were in Canadian Tire and saw the loss prevention guy leading a customer out by both the elbow AND the shoulder. We did not see this as a good sign by any definition. Also, would you really want to date someone so disoriented that you need to manhandle them to prevent them from getting lost? Is this guy dating drunks or toddlers? If I want to frighten away other men, and the occasional aggressive lesbian, I bare my teeth and growl menacingly, signaling my intention to bite. I’m not sure how you would go about holding a woman by the elbow or shoulder and make it look like an accident, but if you succeed she’ll think it was accidental and keep hoping you’ll grow some balls and take hold of her for real. Too bad you’re a useless tit.

“He’s offering you his sweater or his coat. Few men would be very glad that a woman came back from a date wearing somebody else’s jacket, even if otherwise she would have died from cold. Men offer their jackets or sweaters to women because it’s a defensive, sexual and proprietorial gesture. He’s saying “What is mine, is also yours ” (and otherwise ). At first the jacket smells of him, and then it smells of you. Eventually, by giving it to you, he’ll have one more cause to appear on the scene again, at least to get back what belongs to him.”

He’s not saying, “What is mine, is also yours …, he’s saying to everybody else, “If my jacket is on it, it’s mine!” Everybody understands this. It’s why nobody takes your seat in the bar when you’ve gone to the bathroom.

There’s my take on it kiddies. Now go forth and multiply.

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