2012
Posted By Randy on January 3, 2011
Mrs. LFM and I first heard of the movie called 2012 in a conversation with actor Stephen McHattie at his cottage. I asked him what he was working on lately and he said his latest project was that one. Knowing the range of roles he takes on, and the quality of portrayal he’s capable of, I couldn’t help asking if his character was part of the solution or part of the problem this time around. He replied that he plays the captain of the ship that saves everybody so he supposed that made his character a hero. Let it be said that Mrs. LFM and I love steely eyed heroes, and the ones that look like Stephen McHattie best of all.
After we got home we checked for a 2012 movie website and, low and behold, found one called www.whowillsurvive2012.com that featured this teaser trailer:
Well! We were impressed! As we jointly recall, the website made some movie world pretense of representing an actual apocalyptic warning, and we found the quality of the CGI tsunami that rinses the unfortunate monk from his perch to be pretty spectacular.
With no disrespect to the late Vince Coleman, who bravely died at his post on 6 December 1917 as a result of his very real, heroic, and ultimately successful efforts to be sure that a train bound for Halifax with 700 people on board would be saved from the devastation that was the Halifax Explosion, I personally couldn’t help finding parallels between that 2012 teaser trailer and this Canadian heritage minute:
A lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, and the www.whowillsurvive2012.com website, as it existed in those days, has long since evolved into history. Yet, we are always mindful that “The World” eventually ends for everyone, and whether that happens one by one or en masse, I got to thinking about this because last night Mrs. LFM and I finally watched what was, to our minds, among the biggest wastes of time ever committed to film.
On 14 November 2009, Bobby “Fatboy” Roberts writing for Cracked.com wrote a review of this movie with a title that says it all – ‘2012’ Sucks Worse Than the Mayans Could Have Predicted.
From here on in I won’t waste your time with repeating what everybody (besides Roger Ebert) who is paid to review movies has already long since said. I’ll restrict myself to the kind of LFM observations you come here to read.
Sometimes a movie simply stars CGI no matter which actors also star in it. This can be done well which is why, with the exception of Sir Alec Guinness, the original Star Wars was fronted by virtual unknowns. Other times everyone who sits through it is permanently contaminated by its shitness. Remember Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Before 2012 that was the biggest piece of crap movie I’ve ever killed ass nerves to stay in my seat long enough to watch – a relentless Steven Spielberg phantasmagoria that consisted mostly of bright lights shining into my eyes while simple minded tone sequences were played into my ears, all the while with Duddy fucking Kravitz building plateaus out of dog shit as he told me, “This is important!”
Here’s a disorganized list of observations we took away from 2012:
- Stephen McHattie plays the captain of a ship that characters in this movie refer to as an “Ark”. We all know what that portends, and one would expect the captain of any vessel that’s granted such a title would be a hard charging, decisive, my word is fucking law, sonofabitch. It pains us to say that Stephen McHattie ended up portraying an officer who exists on a level only slightly above a pizza delivery clerk. On the bridge of the Ark he “commands”, apparently anyone who demands his way will immediately cause the Captain to start issuing orders in that direction.
- People who fly airplanes know that successfully managing to take off ahead of collapsing runway is a good thing, worthy of perpetuation by refraining from staying low enough to be vulnerable to flying pieces of terrain. If you have the skills to jink right and left, you can also pull the fuck up. We grew tired of watching that plane dive into every hole that opened up beneath it.
- If there is a reasonable chance that your survival will be of value to your government, it will expend resources purchased with your tax dollars to save you. This will include, but not be restricted to, being considered of sexual interest to one or more members of your government. After all, money takes a back seat to sex when the shit hits the fan.
- There is no “diplomatic” way to tell anyone they have been lotteried into what the world has accepted as certain death.
- How the hell did all those people make it to the Himalayas?
- Large animals, one at a time, slung under helicopters? A fucking GIRAFFE? What group of world saving assholes would sit around a table with straight faces and pontificate that was a good idea? I’d vote against them with a steel toed boot.
- Years and years of alleged analysis of Mayan calendar based prophesy, claiming it all ended in December 2012 for some ominous reason while ignoring the normal human motivation to say, “Fuck this, we’re tired, we’re not doing this anymore and we’re going to the pub,” does not represent anything I need to worry about because a fucking malfunctioning furnace could end the world by carbon monoxide poisoning for any of us tonight.
- I could go on ad nauseum, but lastly we found it more than a little amusing that the ships designed to save life on Earth apparently needed to be built in China, like pretty much everything else.
Oh, our friend Stephen, we fully understand why you may never have, or ever will, view this piece of shit, yet we sincerely hope you were well paid for your efforts. After all, as you know, a bad script’s a bad script, and far too many actors suffer thereby.
Sweet Jesus 2012 sucked. Mrs. LFM and I jointly drank 4 litres of wine watching it and the complete memory still remains.
Ebert would be impressed !
Are you kidding? This was the most moving, scientifically accurate, and logically constructed epic since Independence Day. It should have won every Oscar. And before the world does end in 2012 (I read it will, on the internets) they should make a diamond DVD and seal it in a titanium safe on the moon so that future generations or aliens can see what wondrous heights of magnificence human artists achieved. Shame on you sir! Shame!
did 2012 the movie leave a taste so bad in your mouth that you envied the white tiger that ate Roy Horns face?
now, no amount of wine could rinse the taste of that horribly pasty old man out of your mouth! that poor tiger, he paid a terrible price all those years eating german-american shit before he eventually jumps onto that source to drink blood from the fountain?
i would rather watch the movie of him being attacked than actually watch the show in vegas, 2012 would come in second.
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